I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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