Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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