bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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