So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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