my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
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There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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