Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
