I puked a lego.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
