Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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