I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize
