I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
The air was thick with penises
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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