Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
