Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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