I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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