I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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