Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
