My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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