I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
