I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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