last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Randomize
