Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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