We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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