She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize