I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
