My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
