LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
