Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
