Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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