Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
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cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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