Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Someone shit on the floor
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Randomize
