Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
