I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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