the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Are we still banned from the library?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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