Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
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i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
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Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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