I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize