...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
