We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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