I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
He kissed a someone with a penis
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Dear god my vagina.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
