Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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