he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
So many bounce houses so little time
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
