new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
