I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
