Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Oh god it's open bar.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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