I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
