When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize