You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
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After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
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I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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