what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
