if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
