it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
