And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Randomize
