i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
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And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
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Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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