I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
