the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
