if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
