i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
