i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
tell me about the eggs
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
