No awkward lesbian experiences without me
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
