so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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